Before I Die
by beltloop
Summary: Edward knows he's going to die. He doesn't know when, but it's a lot sooner than it's supposed to be. He knows what death is like and he only wants one more thing before he goes. EdxRoy ONESHOT.


_**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. **_  
_**A/N: This is set in 2003 post Shamballa. I know the whole impaled-by-a-beam thing is from the 2009 anime, but it really fits with the story so I hope nobody minds. Mentions of suicide and death. **_

When Edward came back from wherever he went, the boy that Roy knew had turned into a man. He held himself straighter, ate politely, appreciated more, had less temper tantrums, voiced less complaints, pulled his hair into a ponytail, was more considerate, more serious, dressed completely differently, and smiled more. He was almost a completely different person, while still being Ed at the same time. He was softer, more mature, grown up. But although Edward smiled more, he sighed equally as much. There was also this depth to his eyes that hadn't been there before he left. It took Roy a while to get used to, especially after isolating himself for so long.

Edward had been mysteriously quiet all day. Usually, he'd talk with the crew, crack a few jokes at Mustang's expense, have his brother visit, and go with them all to lunch in the mess hall. But right now, Edward was at his desk, gazing blankly at the wall in front of him with a neutral expression on his face. He had been like that almost all day. Sometimes, he'd get up and leave, no one knowing where he went. But he came back every time and never said a word.

Everyone had left for lunch except for Edward. Roy was concerned, so he stayed back to keep an eye on him. The office was eerily quiet and Roy was itching to know what was on Edward's mind.

"Edward?" Roy stood up from his desk and made his way to Ed's. Edward didn't seem to hear him, for he never broke his gaze away from the wall. "Ed," Roy went to put a hand on his shoulder, but Edward flinched, suddenly looking up at Roy with wide eyes, "Are you okay?"

"There's something I want to do before I die," Edward muttered.

The statement made Roy feel uneasy, "Oh? And what is that?"

"Do you know what it feels like to die?" Edward asked in monotone, ignoring Roy's question. His face was unreadable and his eyes were swirling with emotion. The question caught Roy off guard, but he shook his head nevertheless.

"I do," Edward looked down, placing a fisted hand on his chest.

He… What? He knew what it felt like to die? Had Edward died? That wouldn't make sense. He was alive. Roy was thoroughly confused and furrowed his brow, not sure what to make of Edward's statement.

"I shouldn't be alive right now."

Roy blinked, wanting to say otherwise.

"People have died because of me. I've died because of them."

Was Edward talking in metaphors? Had he really died? What is he trying to say?

"I could die any day now. But for good this time."

"Edward?"

Ed looked up at Roy, eyes cold and lips pulled into a frown.

"You've… Died?"

Edward nodded, "Almost four times."

Roy felt something in his chest twinge and his breath caught. Was Edward serious? Roy quickly regained control over himself and slowly exhaled, "I don't understand," he breathed.

"I died in a bombing in the other world. Not in this body, though, the other Edward's body. I killed my parallel self," Edward chuckled darkly, "I wonder what happened to his soul."

Roy was befuddled. Other world? Other Edward? What was he talking about?

Edward began to elaborate, "There's another world. It's beyond the gate. It's parallel to our world; it has the same faces, the same places, but alchemy doesn't exist. Well, not really. There are duplicates of everyone from this world. There was one of me, there might still be one of Alphonse, and there is Hughes and Gracia, Rose, Scar, Lust, Bradley… I'm sure there is one of you, too," Edward paused, lost in thought for a moment, "I got sent there and I met Hohenheim. The real one, not the duplicate. I was in the parallel Edward's body. It was strange having all of my limbs again… But I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I got caught in an explosion, from a zeppelin. I died," his voice cracked, "Edward died. I killed him."

Roy froze as he digested Edward's information. Edward had never said a word about where he had been during those years and his sudden openness startled Roy, but he accepted what Edward said and believed him. But… Edward seriously died? He really knew what it felt like to die? Something in Roy wanted to reach out for him, but he held himself back, "What… What did it feel like?"

"It went so quickly. I just suddenly lost consciousness. I think it was because the other Edward took his mind back over at the end. Then I woke up, and I was back in this world. I'd say it had been a nightmare, but the second death confirmed it was real."

"The second?" Roy choked out, horrified by what he was hearing.

Edward abruptly stood up from his chair and started unbuttoning his vest. He slipped it off and opened up his white shirt. Roy visibly swallowed as Edward revealed his torso to him. There were two huge, jagged scars. One was in the center of his chest; the other was to the left of his stomach. Roy felt his heart drop.

"The second time, I was murdered," Edward spit out the word, indicating to the scar in the center of his chest, "by Envy. He turned his arm into a spike and shoved it right through me, right in front of Al and Rose. He just tossed me aside. I remember the gaping feeling in my chest, the fiery pain, the blood… So much blood…" Edward shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut, "I felt my own heart stop beating. Just like that. My brain stopped quickly after. I don't know what happened after that, but I woke up in the same body, crying. Do you know what happened next?"

Roy could hardly manage to shake his head. His mouth was dry and he was swept up in Edward's emotions, unable to control his shaking.

"I find out that Al sacrificed himself to bring me back."

Roy could only guess what Edward's reaction to that was, "You…" his voice croaked, "Did you…"

"I did the same, but for him."

"You killed yourself."

Edward's eyes flashed and he growled, "I sacrificed myself! There's a difference."

Roy decided to let it go for now, changing the topic, "Then how are you alive?"

Edward averted his gaze, "I don't know. I shouldn't be. I went back through the gate, but this time I was in my own body. I was stuck there until, well, you know."

"The bombing," Roy finished. Edward nodded. Roy reached out without thinking to the scar on the left of Edward's stomach. Edward grimaced at the contact, but didn't stop Roy's hand. Roy gently brushed his fingertips along the wide, rugged scar, "The fourth?"

"The fourth… I didn't die. I almost did. I would have…" Edward murmured, "There was an explosion and I was impaled by a beam. It went right through me. I didn't even notice at first, but then I was spitting out blood. Everything was hazy and there was darkness creeping around my vision. I was held in place by the beam, but I managed to fall onto my side… I got help and they yanked it out of me. It was the single most painful thing I've ever been through, even worse than getting my ports done. I would have bled out, but I used myself as a philosopher's stone, healing my internal organs and stopping my bleeding."

"You… What?"

"A philosopher's stone is made of souls. If you picture yourself as a single mass of energy, as a single soul, you can harness that energy and use it like a philosopher's stone," Edward's voice was low and shaky. He looked back up at Roy and held his gaze strongly, deep, dark emotion swirling in his eyes, "It probably took a few years off of my lifespan. I don't know how many. I could die today, or tomorrow, or in a year, or twenty years… I would die for the last time."

Roy gaped. He had never thought about a soul like that and it was ingenious, though the consequences were unfavorable. The thought of Edward dying for good made Roy's breath catch and he stopped fingering the scar to grip Edward's side, as if he were going to leave him right then and there.

Edward grasped Roy's hand with his automail, his voice rising and his eyes passionate, "And you know what, General? I've lost so many people, I've been through so many things, I've done the unimaginable and come back strong as ever, but I'll be damned if I die without having a chance at this."

Edward slowly lifted his flesh hand and caressed Roy's jaw before pulling the man's chin down and pressing his lips onto Roy's.


End file.
